The trouble with LDRs

First of all, if you don't know what an LDR is, it's a long distance relationship... And now that you know that, I'm sure you can at least, somewhat, understand what I'm going through. I mean, let's face it people, everybody has heard about how difficult LDRs are, but very few people are actually willing to go through with them. This post is going to be complaining about the difficulties, but I assure you, I believe that, if you have the right person, as I do, the difficulties are more than worth it.

Anyway, the moment I arrived in Charlotte, I was having mixed feelings (I know in previous posts, I've demonstrated just how sucky mixed feelings are). On one hand, I was super excited to be at college and be on my own. On the other, I was miserable because I knew that there was no way that I'd be able to see Anna until I had vacations or unless I was willing to spend a shit ton of money on a bus ticket for a 15 hour ride and only be able to see her for a day, maybe two (If I was exceptionally lucky). So those mixed feelings made me somewhat miserable. Of course, me being me, I didn't tell anybody about those feelings, and I didn't let them show. I pushed everything into the back of my mind and bottled up my feelings. Then, after a particularly stressful day in labs, Anna said something, I don't remember what, and I blew up on her. This was our first, and probably one of our worst, fights. Now, when I say it was our first, it was our first REAL fight. We had had a couple little ones about stupid little things, and a bunch of fake ones, but this one was big. As I remember it, this is what happened:

In order to relieve the stress I accumulated during a day of labs (And if you've ever worked in a kitchen, you know what kind of stress builds up. Double that and you have the stress of a culinary lab), I started playing Left 4 Dead 2. I'm sure everybody knows the amazing stress relief provided from violent video games, so I won't go into that. Anyway, while playing through campaigns, and especially while playing Versus or Co-op, I tended to ignore my phone going off due to text messages while playing, then I'd forget about the text messages while waiting for the next chapter to load or the next round to start. Anna, being the person she is, didn't want to start a fight with me, so she went to her friends to vent about how she felt my video games were replacing her. Her friends, namely our mutual friend, Beckie, who I introduced Anna to, in turn came to me to tell me to stop playing so many video games and pay more attention to Anna. I confronted Anna with this and that was the start of our fight. Come to think of it, that's how most of our really bad fights start. I do something that irritates Anna, she doesn't tell me about those feelings right away (which is, I feel, when every person on this planet would like to be informed about irritating the person they love), and then I find out indirectly, either through a friend, or, with our most recent fight, through her blog.

Now, I'm not prone to yelling unless I get super stressed, or super pissed. There are a handful of factors that can get me to one or both of those states. The stress part is obvious. Lots of work, lots of pressure, and knowing that not doing what I'm supposed to do could waste a hell of a lot of money and put me into premature debt. The anger part can be cause in one of two ways. People acting like there's nothing wrong when there is, and people not doing what they know they're supposed to be doing and then acting superior to everybody else. Anna, unfortunately, is the kind of person to act like everything is okay when it isn't. I don't know what triggered her to hide her feelings from me with that first fight, but I know me blowing up on her during that fight is the major cause of her continually doing it.

I'm the kind of person that likes to know about a problem as soon as it arises, and then I like to take care of said problem. If I'm presented with a problem when that problem starts to create more problems, then I get pissed. Both at the person who didn't tell me about the problem and at myself for not seeing it to begin with. With Anna, worry is added to the anger... Let me elaborate... In my mind, for some reason I've yet to figure out, I feel that if Anna can't talk to me and tell me when I did something wrong, how will she ever be able to talk to me and tell me when something major happens? Like, what if she falls in love with somebody else? Would she actually be able to tell me, or would she just cheat on me and hide it from me? What if I have to move clear across country and she has to leave all of her friends and family? Would she tell me about the feelings she'd be having about the move, or would she just bury those feelings and let them turn into resentment?

There's the word I've been working toward all along... I don't want Anna to resent me. In my chosen field, there are three rates that are very, very high... Drug use, Alcoholism, and Divorce. I feel confident in saying that I'll never use drugs, and that I'll be able to control myself when it comes to alcohol, but I know that divorce is something I can't control. I'll be working long hours and most likely won't be home very often. If I start my own restaurant, it'll be even worse. If Anna can't talk to me about things that are bothering her about our relationship, eventually, that will turn into resentment, and if she resents me, then she'll fall out of love with me, and that will lead to divorce... I'm gonna be completely honest with you people, there is nobody else on this planet who could even come close to Anna (for me at least). She is absolutely perfect for me, and I couldn't even imagine being with anybody but her. If she would leave me, it would destroy me.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kill myself. I'm not that melodramatic. I would do what I always do when I'm depressed and miserable. Put my head down and work my ass off until I can't feel the pain anymore. The funny part is that no matter what happens between me and Anna, she will always be the reason I become successful. If we stay together and start a family (Which I sincerely hope we do), then keeping her happy and comfortable will be my motivation for success. If she leaves me (Because, let's face it, there's no way in hell that I'm gonna leave her), then I'll work my ass off and become successful anyway. I wouldn't be happy with the latter option, but either way, I plan on working my way to the top of the ladder. I'm tired of being upper-lower-middle class. Shit, I'd be happy with just being middle-class.

But I digress...

So let's recap, for those of you that are currently drooling on your keyboard due to the fact that you couldn't keep up with my train of thinking... The problem with LDRs... The distance sucks. You can't see or hold the person at all.. Unless you both have a webcam, then you can at least see the person... The fights are always worse. Always. Why? Because you can't make up properly. You can't give the person a hug and say "I'm sorry." They can't see just how much the fight hurt you, and you can't see how much the fight hurt them. In addition, any fear that you might have had to begin with is doubled for every 100 miles away you are from the person (Note: I'm 500 miles away from Anna. You'd have to double my fears five times. That's: 1-> 2 -> 4-> 8-> 16-> 32). All of that in addition to the mixed feeling of being at college and the gaping hole in my chest that's caused from being away from Anna... Yeah, I'm sure you can imagine just how much it sucks.


That is all...